Altercations

Ok, so I try to be sympathetic to all of those mommy-women out there. Not everyone can be a hip twixter like me. But I did find myself publically enraged today--on the road, of all places.

Somehow I managed to get caught in "school" traffic. All these parent-people lined up at a four-way stop. Confused as to who goes next. Nothing worse.

Unexplainably, I had two children in the back of my car.

Anyway, while I sat in the sun, in my car, barely moving, I began to make the best of the situation and tried to make conversation with Child 1. Twisting my neck, using my mirror, I asked what his favorite part of the day was. Yadda yadda.

The black car in front of me hit its brake lights sharply. I tapped mine, glanced in the rearview mirror to make sure the guy behind me was ok. Continued conversation.

The black car jerks again. Break lights. I think, "Poor car. What's wrong with it?"

Continued my conversation.

Out of the corner of my sunglasses, I spy a rather large woman shouting into her own rearview mirror with arms and hands raised. "Oh. I get it. She thinks I'm too close to her bumper." Hello? We are going .8 mph & I am not too close.

I watch the spectacle. Blood boils. I begin to sneer and mouth very slowly, shaking my head, "You---are---the---sorriest---woman---I---have---"

Her hands fly wildly now, along with quite a bit of head wagging. She doesn't know that I have been watching Fight Club. She doesn't know how close to bottom I am.

I wave "Come on" style at her with both hands. Jerk my chin up. "Bring it" I mouth. Tap at my chest. "Come on" I nod. Gesture at my door.

Repeat gesture. More violent shaking. Repeat gesture again.

She whips out a cell and holds it up. She points violently at it. "Yeah. That's right. Do it." I mouth.


***


I'm posting this from my laptop at the station. They haven't booked me. One of the officers knows me and they don't care what I do. I don't really know who threw the first punch. That's my story I'll tell the judge. I also read a few days ago that Florida, or maybe all US states for all I care, has just given citizens the right to full body defense. Before, one had to try to avoid, retreat, from such altercations. Now that the law has passed, I have a right to completely defend where I stand. So, I shrug, she came to me. I'll tell the judge that I was confused about the law. I won't even mention Fight Club and the freedom of that first swing. Yeah. Luckily, I did not have a legalized concealed weapon in the glovebox.