You Can Skip This One (rather "insider")
There is only one person on the face of the planet who should never never ask me for a letter of recommendation . . . well, ok, there really are several.
But one person in particular.
This one person in particular,
who just happened to be my fricken thesis advisor,
way back when,
actually approached me yesterday in the copier room:
"Wow. Serendipity." he said as he walked in.
Serendipity my ass.
I had ducked into the copier room when I saw him down the hall.
Ducked into the copier room to avoid hyper-freak out mode.
"Hello. How are you." I muttered in my most professional mode ever.
Suddenly, the intricacies of the copy machine were quite fascinating.
"Actually, can I ask you a favor?"
Freeze. Rewind.
Exactly one year ago this man was shouting into the phone how I could never even dream of *applying* to a PhD program because my colleagues would find me in "contempt"--right before I won the Master's Essay Award for my department . . .
This same glorified patriarch was standing, humbled as much as possible, and explaining that for some odd reason, the University committee would not grant him full Professor status this year after serving for 15 years . . . and his own colleagues had, ehem, suggested that he talk to his former students . . . and gather letters of recommendations.
"Actually," he had asked, "can I ask you a favor?"
Have I mentioned how his words, as my mentor, have echoed in my brain for the past 12 months? Have I mentioned that I never have applied for any PhD programs? (Not that he is responsible for that.) Even if numerous others (including the future Chair of the department)have worked to validate my own work?
But he was in a position of great power over me. And yesterday, at that moment by the copier, a most unexpected moment, the tables had turned.
"--a favor?"
I never missed a beat. Being the woman I've been taught to be for the past X decades, having the internalized accommodation switch cemented to my psyche, I smiled and said "Sure . . ."
Furrowed brow. "Really?" In all the appropriate places. Nod my head.
Not once did he notice the twitch between the corner of my mouth and cheek, the way I was consumed with the copier, or the way I dodged all further questions to dive out of the copier room. Not one single "F*CK YOU" escaped.
In fact, when I reached my office in total panic and rage at myself, the first words I typed to my peeps were "F*CK ME." Because I had. I gave this guy my email and told him to contact me. He did, today.
What to do? How do I ethically solve this dilemma?
I couldn't possibly give a good letter--he was a horrible, hypocritical, self-absorbed, meany! He hurt me very badly. Yet--did I mention he was on the committee that selected me for grad school??? It was his word that got me in (without my solicitation)--this is so twisted!
posted by SquirrleyMojo @ 6:55 PM
7 Comments:
This all makes me glad to be a dumb plod with just an undergrad degree.
Interesting.
By which I mean "If I said what I really thought, this entire post would be asteriks."
I don't care if he was one of the reasons you were accepted into the program. I strongly suspect E was a major factor in my getting in, and I couldn't write her a letter, either. You don't owe him anything, and the asterik'ed asterik knows it ("Really?").
Just tell him/email him and say the recommendation would be less than positive because of events last spring. If he still wants it, fine. You can be honest about what you think. Most likely he'll ask someone else, and you won't have to worry about it. Either way, you don't have to write a false-positive letter or have him thinking it will be positive while the one you write isn't.
Now go back and insert a lot of asteriks, and my jaw dropping on the floor with disbelief that he would even think it appropriate to ask you, and you'll have my actual reaction to the situation.
Yeesh...I have no idea what I'd do if I were in your position.
Good luck!
I think you did the grown-up thing.
You're mad at yourself now, because the guy is a jerk, but you did the thing that will be easier for you to live with in the long run. If you'd told him off, you might have felt great in the moment, but later you might have regretted it.
I reread your post. Now,I don't know. Argh! I hate ethical dilemas!
Eh, good luck.
not wealthy and unemployed - have saved money for years. dont judge.
Bah, ethics are overrated. Just write something positive, nothing too detailed or honest, and get him out of your life. He's a jerk, and you don't like him, and he's asking for a one time favor. Do it if it's not too much trouble, and just don't bother stressing over it.
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