Police State

Start: Late, as per par, ramp onto the outerbelt;
2, count them, 2 Staties hot on my ass; I comply.
Slow down. Act non-chalant.

After an hour & half drive to ________,
I arrive at C Hall, deposit my grades. 9:53.
I shit you not.
Suprisingly, do NOT meet a ton of English people
standing in line with crumpled hair.

Speaking of crumpiness--should not have looked like sh8t today.
My boss in WS may be 600+ miles away,
but her boss, the boss's boss, is on campus. In the office.
Peeps in on me.
I ask to see my evaluations; her response?
"Not that we police the evaluations, but L will
compute them, establish a medium, and write up a report . . .
yadda yadda . . . if you would like [to know what
in the hell is going on with your own evaluations], please
schedule a meeting time with L . . ."

From the week 8, I felt errie when the evaluations for WS were conducted by
office staff; yellow light. Now, not having access period; red light.
There are so many problems with this system, that I feel utterly exhausted
simply contemplating them--
not alone writing it all down.

PLUS, she ended the impromptu meeting by calling
me out on not "keeping dialogue"
with L this quarter (which is so true for so many complicated,
personal reasons). I feel slapped on the wrist.
But it's not "policing"-- a term deliciously relished by graduate
students who know just enough to want to change/challenge the
system in which the tenure track have worked so hard to
successfully establish themselves within . . .
please don't ask how one gets from point A to B;
I don't have all of the answers yet.
Preliminary studies, preliminary studies.

Why do I not keep open dialogue?
Because I am in hiding. Duh.
The more I speak to my superiors, the more risk
I take in being "discovered."
Which is why this college teaching stint is at an end.
Yes, at an end.
For real this time.
Like Jerry S., I know when to exit.
I must exit while there is still some hope of a nod at a reference,
a bridge from which to cross over to my next career.
Three to four years in one spot is tops for me.
It has been three.

Simply put, I am far far too insecure for this type of setting.
What is next? Not sure.
Dread 85%; Hope 10%; Excitement 3%; Fear 2% and growing.
I always like to wait until I am simply comfortable enough
to not care before I cross over, but in this field, that might not happen.
Time to jump ship.
Really, another Group I, tenured fauclty felt this way last year
and used the same tired metaphor (someone well respected). . .
what type of existance would it be to feel this way for the next 20?

Skip to: the English Department and hand in a very late book order; the Comp Director is there. "Tisk. Tisk." at my lateness.
Frown.
Let me out. Ei.
How could I look at evaluations in that environment?
J, the future chair & a person with whom I shall remain in good standing,
if I am never seen again, is right around the corner.
I give up.
No research today. Just Flight.
I bound to my car, metered parked again,
and drive.
I drive and drive.
Hit the highway where I can flee at 65, 70, 75 mph--
around the express curve with the Gs pushing me against
my own door. A bit dizzy, yes.
Run, run away from _________ before I totaly blow everything
I've worked to acheive--

And in the corner of my eye,
following me from another angle,
an angle I didn't see before,
I see
another State Trooper.